WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
