You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
