Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
