i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
