If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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