I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
