I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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