I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I need to calm my uterus...
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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