we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
