i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
