I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
