He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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