I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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