Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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