Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
