Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
