He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
