come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
