last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
