I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I didn't notice because vodka
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
