i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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