How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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