apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
