I think I won the penis lottery.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
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