I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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