the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i just sent this text using only my big toe
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
