thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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