u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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