just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
