Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
