A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I'm having to shit out rocks
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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