I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I want to walk on stilts...naked
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
