A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
