i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
