I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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