Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
