when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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