i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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