Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
