I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I forgot how hot balto sounded
sarcasm needs its own font
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
be right there i have to get my cape
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
