There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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