Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
