His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize