Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
