Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
