I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
