Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
