He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
We were destined to go to rehab together
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
