don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
high people should be assigned attendants
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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