When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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