i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
