Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
