I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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