My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
