So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
