Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
