In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
